I’m all about people setting goals, but sometimes our standards become so intricate that we set ourselves up for failure in finding what we have convinced ourselves that we want.

That kind of sounds like…a roommate? Do you have any evidence that such an arrangement could even operate smoothly? It seems like it’s all based on inference from your past, painful experiences. I don’t think you’re broken, but indeed you are looking for something hard to find-a partner that would be OK with you never having sex with him, and having whatever sex you want with other people. And I know of many gay and straight relationships that are open, again mostly evolving over time. I guess I want both of those from the beginning. I know this is all but impossible to find. I feel fine about my wants but close friends think I feel this way because of my bad breakups. Am I broken? How do I go about finding this? However, when it comes to sex I now want more of a one-and-done. I still need and want sex but after one, two, MAYBE three hookups I don’t want to have sex with the person again, regardless of how good it was. I live in a large gay/bi-friendly city so an almost endless supply of sex partners isn’t a problem. I know of several gay and straight sexless relationships but those evolved over time. I didn’t see it coming. I’m a demonstrative person and enjoy the closeness and companionship of one person, I really enjoy and miss being in a relationship. The last one ended a little over a year ago when my ex came home and told me he was moving to another state with his new boyfriend, a guy who was our good friend. My emotional and sexual needs are no longer on the same page. I’m a middle-aged gay man with a couple of long-term relationships that ended suddenly and not on great terms under my belt. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Slate Plus members get more How to Do It each week.

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